Disclaimer: It’s not my fault I suck
By biconews On 8 Feb, 2000 At 05:00 AM | Categorized As Archives | With 0 Comments

By Galvin Chow

Okay, I’ll just come right out and admit it: My last column kinda, well, sucked. Yes, it had its good points, specifically that the printer ink successfully remained bonded to the page, but overall it just wasn’t up to snuff. I mean, I’ve met with critical revulsion in the past, such as with the column that consisted only of the word “penis” printed 800 times, and, of course, my controversial article titled “Better Looking: Bryn Mawr or Basset Hounds?” but my latest column really takes the cake. Let’s face it, it was met with as warm a reception as Calvin Klein’s recent introduction of Ass-Scented Cologne (“Expulsion”), and that’s putting it nicely. I can only hope for the forgiveness of my loyal fans, as well as those of you who just like to look at photos of shirtless Asian guys holding stuffed monkeys. But now it’s time to move on from the token apologetic self-pity paragraph and on to more important matters: namely, disavowing even the slightest smidgen of personal responsibility. So, at this point I’d like to take the opportunity to state for the record that the quality of my last column. or the lack thereof, was not my fault in any way whatsoever.

Now, there are many popular approaches to the issue of avoiding personal accountability, and thankfully, being a teenager, I know them all. For instance, I first thought about trying the Politician Method. This is an easy Innocence-through-Ignorance technique that apparently entails putting my necktie on way too tight and thus losing large portions of my vocabulary (Reporter: “Senator Chow, is it true that a column you wrote in the winter of 2000 sucked?” Me: “Define ‘suck.'”). In addition, this option offers many fringe benefits such as hot intern sex and finding creative new uses for cigars, but unfortunately this is all offset by the downside of becoming a permanent ingredient in Jay “I Suck” Leno’s opening monologue. To be honest, I couldn’t imagine a worse fate, other than actually being Jay Leno and waking up each morning only to realize how much I suck.

Anyway, next, I briefly considered Haverford student Chas Budnick’s standard defense, commonly known as the “Dude, I Swear I Didn’t Know She was Underage Despite the Big Bird Overalls and the Fact that She was in a Papoose” method. And though this is a surprisingly effective approach that frustrates America’s Most Wanted like you wouldn’t believe. I instead settled on a much simpler, more general procedure: blaming the media, specifically, the Bi-College News itself.

Now, some of you might be thinking that blaming my own publication for my personal lack of talent is somewhat hypocritical. Well, without confirming or denying anything, I instead remind you that this is America, the official “Land of Shirking Accountability and Rewarding Stupidity.” Blame is fired in random directions in every day of our lives and, remember, we are a country that once actually awarded some incompetent old lady for spilling hot coffee on her own crotch. So in the same spirit, I have chosen to accuse, via the legally approved procedure of eeny-meeny-mynee-moe… the LAYOUT PEOPLE OF THE BI-CO NEWS! Everyone knows that layout “people” are jealous, despicable types that spit on puppies and chew baby-flavored gum. Is it such stretch to believe that they have expanded their villainous repertoire to include sabotaging a young, talented columnist’s budding career? I think not.

So you see, my loyal fans, i.e. both Mom AND Dad, that their lack of competence is why my last column sucked. Consequently, I demand sympathy for being a victim of such a terrible crime, and commendations for bravely continuing my work in the face of adversity, even under the same people that were responsible for my would-be downfall in the first place. Am I not a truly valiant journalist for revealing the truth in this fashion when the True Culprits could GALVIN B. CHOW WILLFULLY CONSUMES HIS OWN FECES once again tamper LAYOUT PEOPLE DO IT 8 DAYS A WEEK with my words so as to GALVIN REEKS LIKE A SULFUR MINE make me look bad? I certainly would hate for my words GALVIN’S PERSONAL WORTH IS COMPARABLE TO THAT OF POWDERED DONKEY GENITALIA to be ignominiously altered once again, and I know you would, too IS THERE ANYONE WHO DIDN’T SEE THIS JOKE COMING.

And no, officer, I swear I don’t know how my gun got in the bell tower. But I bet it was the layout people.

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