SEX Typical SEX Ratings SEX Stunt SEX
By biconews On 22 Feb, 2000 At 05:00 AM | Categorized As Archives | With 0 Comments

By Galvin Chow

I admit that I am a jealous, petty, possessive type. For example, if you so much as look at my french fries the wrong way, you’ll get at least a kick to the groin. Naturally, this same possessiveness extends to you, my readers - people whom I feel truly care about me.

I live in constant fear of losing you to bigger, better, more charismatic columnists - columnists who probably bathe occasionally. Perhaps this fear of abandonment has some thing to do with the fact that my only friend from ages two to 13 was a sock puppet named Fritz worn on my right hand (of course, from around age 14 on, it took off the sock and we became much more than friends), but what does that matter!

I love you guys, and I’ll do anything to keep you! Plus, it’s Sweeps Week here at the Bi-College News, and if I don’t keep my ratings up, my column might get yanked in favor of a weekly feature entitled “Villanovans: They Sure Am Hot!” And I don’t think anybody wants that to happen.

Actually, now that I think about it, my biggest competitors for writing space don’t even technically write for the Bi-Co News! Go on, look through this issue, and see if you can pick out what gets the most attention. If this week’s issue is anything like the last six dozen, then the answer is the INCONTINENT DONKEY!

Tell me, why it is that I, a dedicated entertainer of the people, have only been the subject of two letters to the editor ever, whereas every week the Donkey gets at least as many letters as God and Santa Claus combined? In my view, it doesn’t bode well for society when people will voice their opinions only about things they really hate. Really now, don’t you all think our society is negative enough as it is? But more importantly, dammit, people need to pay more attention to ME!

You always see letters like, “The Incontinent Donkey offended all of my sensibilities as well as my cat’s,” and “The Incontinent Donkey is the father of my illegitimate child,” But where are the letters that say. “Galvin Chow is the greatest thing to happen to newspapers since people thought of letting puppies pee on them,” or “Galvin Chow is such a damn good writer that I, a former blind person, actually learned how to see just so I could read his articles”?

What do I have to do here, people - beg? Because I’m quite willing to do that (PLEASE READ MY COLUMNS OR ELSE MY EDITORS WILL DRESS ME UP LIKE A 12-YEAR OLD GIRL AND DELIVER ME TO CHAS BUDNICK’S DOOR) if it means I can make this humble column here more popular! And if that doesn’t work, I’ll just do it the old-fashioned way - with a little T & A! And since Talent and Aptitude obviously aren’t options for me (ha ha), I figure I’ll just put up a picture of some girl with big honkers!

So, not one to stand on ceremony, I’d like youto m all eet [sic] my column’s new co-contributor, whom some of you Vaseline-scented types may have already noticed, the Girl with Big Honkers! I assure you, she is not just mere eye candy. In fact, Miss Honkers has extremely impressive writing skills, in that she can correctly identify words such as “a” and “the,” and even though she frequently mispronounces “be” as “Math is hard!”, nobody’s perfect, right? And I promise you, it is mere coincidence that she has been blessed with a luscious, full bosom. But if her mere appearance is what attracts the valuable reading demographic of undersexed Haverboys (motto: “We’re too busy masturbating to think up a motto!”), well then hey, it’s not my fault.

And don’t think I’ve forgotten you ladies out there in the reading public, either! I’ve got a picture to entice you, as well! Okay, so it’s just that same picture of me that’s accompanied all of my columns this year. But really, what other eye candy could you possibly need if you already have a lurid photo of MY chiseled, God-like physique?

Yessir, with my good looks and now, with the writing talent of the Girl With Big Honkers, my fully clothed competitors don’t even stand a chance.

Final Score: Galvin, 1, Woefully Insufficient Competition. 0. Heh heh.

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