By Andrew Bennett
Mitt Romney– The More Money Mormon.
The puppet-prostitute of the campaign, Mr. Romney is by far the most financially successful of the candidates and has reaped greatly though smart capitalist moves. Like a good defense attorney, Romney will say just about anything for a fat check. The man has enough billion-dollar sponsors to make NASCAR and Premiere League Soccer jealous. Under a Romney administration, there’s no doubt in my mind America would reach its largest number of billionaires ever, but as he said after winning the Florida Primary, “I’m not concerned about the poor, they have a safety net.” A safety net? Maybe in a state like Massachusetts, where every person has the right to state healthcare, thanks to RomneyCare. If you wish for a semi-moderate conservative who believes in a robust capitalist system and the acknowledged fact that corporations are people, Mitt is your man.
Rick Santorum– Look “Santorum” up on Google. I dare you.
Mr. Santorum, former Senator of Pennsylvania, would be more fitting as a representative of the Jersey Shore. Maybe he would have more success if he spent as much money on his campaign as he did on his spray tans. The only reason he was able to win the Iowa caucus was because his skin color was strikingly similar to that of buttered corn on the cob. More recently, he fashioned a bolo tie in Colorado to impress voters. Yes, he has so far won more states than Romney, but his place in the standings is irrelevant. He is the political equivalent to Snooki or Paris Hilton, only sticking around because he likes the attention of being on TV. Expect this guy’s next move to be a Fox News pinhead, and expect The Daily Show with Jon Stewart to love every minute of it.
Newt Gingrich– This guy.
Mr. Gingrich, so affectionately called, “The Ideas Man” of the Republican Party, seems to have no idea why he will never be president. He walked away from a convincing win in South Carolina, spouting ideas of what he’ll be doing in his term as president of the United States. You won one state, now go win about 25 more and we’ll take you seriously. It’s hard to believe that this one-time, Time Magazine: Man of the Year, could have such a distorted and fetid moral compass. He marries his high school math teacher (nice!), and then cheats on and divorces her when she has cancer (douche move, bro). Then he gets married to a new woman, cheats on and divorces her when she had been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. Really, Newt? Yet he still claims the homosexual community is ruining marriage in America. Newt is a gaseous balloon that needs to float to the sun…or his moon base.
Ron Paul– The geezer, youth pleaser.
Mr. Paul is one of the last believers and true fighters of the constitution—maybe because he’s nearly old enough to have signed it. His belief in the papyrus is a nice change compared to the rest of the candidates who treat the constitution like an incoherent Rosetta Stone. He’s popular with the youth because he follows the wave of his own beliefs, not as much what corporations pay him to say. He voted against the invasion of Iraq in 2002 and is against the War on Drugs, even believing issues like medical marijuana should be dealt with on a state level. Unlike the other pansies running for office, he actually served our military and was an Ob/Gyn who delivered more than 4000 babies. This man is the definition of Libertarian and even named his son, Rand, which some believe is in allegiance to Ayn Rand, the mother of Libertarianism. The only problem is he is trying to send our country back into his salad days of the 19th century. He plans on reverting our money system back to the gold standard, ridding income tax, and thinks global warming isn’t real.
Rick Perry– Dumb, dumber, and… umm… erm… Oops!
The shining star from the Lone Star State, Rick Perry appeared to be the new face of America. In hindsight, they weren’t that wrong. He is on par as pretty average, and almost stereotypical Southern male. The only problem is that it sure as Hell isn’t what we want running our country. Almost reminiscent of another Governor of Texas…
Herman Cain– Nein, Nein, Nein.
Mr. Cain’s 9-9-9 plan really wasn’t a terrible idea. He got lots of flack for it because it seemed impossible to solve part of our financial situation with something so catchy. Then allegations of sexual harassment rose and he assumed the fetal position like a typical Haverford male who got a girl in bed and realized he didn’t know how to take off a bra. Cain should have followed in President Clinton’s footsteps by sacking up, admitting his faults, and showing how he could run the country.
Michele Bachmann– Palin 2.0?
I really feel bad for women as a whole, when Bachmann and Palin are the high representatives for women in politics, besides Hillary of course. I am happy that they are driven and motivated to reach the pinnacle of American politics, I just wish they weren’t such abhorrent souls.
Stephen Colbert– For a better America, and so can you.
After a disappointing showing at the South Carolina Primary, only gaining 1% of the vote under Herman Cain’s name, Colbert decided to drop out. This is too bad because he is the most flamboyant nationalist of all the candidates. His conservative views trump that of even good old Rush and Beck. Some leftist pigs try to claim he’s being sarcastic in his shows and he’s actually a liberal. What idiots! This isn’t The Daily Show. It’s like Fox on Thursday nights; you either watch Family Guy or American Dad, never both. It’s only fitting that he would run since America gets its comedy from the news channels, and news from the comedy channels. Under Colbert, every state’s bird would be the bald eagle; America the beautiful would be everyone’s ringtone and every school’s colors would be red, white and blue, in that order. If you believe in the royal, unwavering hegemony of the United States of America, this is your man.