Haverford’s Most Eligible Bachelors
By Cormac Quinn Rada
The atoms in the air vibrate in their presence. Knees instantly weaken. Brows bear sweat. Cheeks redden. These are the Adonises that walk the streets of our humble College Ave, that eat DC food despite their hardened bodies, and breath the same Haverford air that we all do. They are Haverford’s most eligible bachelors. Since customs week I have spent my time compiling a list of the most qualified bachelors for the Bi-Co News and the greater good of humanity. As you may think, their time is precious so I wasn’t really able to get an interview with any of these people. Instead I watched. Creepily, from the shadows and this is what I abstracted.
* There were absolutely no criteria to determine who should make the list. I more or less chose people who I saw once while in the trenches of Lunt basement.
Andrew “ Andy” or “Freight Train” Beck -Freshman
Andy hails from the Raven capital of the United States. Why does that make him an eligible bachelor you might ask? Well it doesn’t. Satisfied? No? Well, the main reason for including him on this list is his capacity to grow facial hair and his audacity to have it shaven off. Andy is aggressive when it comes to his love of Rugby but extremely soft and sweet and cuddly and warm inside when it comes to his love for Disney movies and boy bands.
Andy is a Quaker and by my understanding it is an unofficial requirement to either kiss or punch a Quaker before graduating. Like most of your academic advisors, I advise you to get your pre-requisites out of the way as quickly as possible so please stop by Tritton 2E.
Few words can summarize the complete being of who Ian is. But the most accurate and prolific word would be “Yoked.” He enjoys daily walks to Trader Joes to buy fresh produce to supplement his Vegan Protein Powder shakes. He lifts everyday and never forgets his legs day. Ian constantly toes the highly metaphorical line of Joseph Gordon Levitt’s character in Don John and a mysteriously brooding man seen in a Starbucks coffee shop reading poetry.
Once named “Campus Cutie” this cutie is truly the full package. He is smart, nice, and as Derek Zoolander once phrased it, “really really ridiculously good looking.”His interests include volunteering, giving free hugs, random acts of kindness, cuddling puppies, recycling, and nurturing fallen baby birds back to health and then releasing them only to have them remember the memory of his kindness and his incredible looks.
Jimmy Gorman –Freshman
It’s hard to exactly narrow down the essence of Jimmy Gorman. Jimmy has a whipping enthusiasm for life that has many people compare him to a new born puppy. If you like puppies you will love the Gor-MAN. Jimmy’s favorite movies are 10 Things I Hate About You, Clueless, Up, and The Little Mermaid. Jimmy has also been known to bust some rhymes on the occasion. Despite his inclination for rap, Jimmy is the consummate gentleman always asking for a girls hand and I have even heard him once utter the words, “You are my snowflake.” Verbatim. I cried. I thought it was something out of a Ryan Gosling movie. It’s hard not to tell you everything that makes Jimmy one of the most eligible anythings but my final testament of his bachelor-hood is arguably his most attractive trait- he is a Goat.
He only drinks light beer. Do I need to go on? He obviously cares about his physique when partying but he doesn’t let that get in the way of having a good time. An avid Squash player and visor wearer Nate possesses what every lady looks for in a man. His slender build and slightly effeminate features conveys a certain sensitivity that has been known to appeal to certain types of ladies. He is a fixture in the Bryn Mawr scene and is constantly eating at Haffner. So Bryn Mawr girls if you are interested look for the boy-man-child thing roaming your campus.
*Photo on the left is from Nate’s Prom. Yes he wore that to Prom. As you can see she was having none of it. She was also an inanimate object.
When I first heard about the legend of John Curry I was told that he was held back in kindergarten because he could not properly perform the complex task of touching his left hand to his right ear. Then I found out he is from Seattle, which explains this origin story. Was it a progressive school or was John simply expressing his “I do things to be ironic” formative period? Then I found out John Curry admired “Pimp Juice” by Nelly and then I was all like he is probably a cool guy. Then I found out he was a fan of the double-breasted suit jacket.
If you just need someone to talk to or even a shoulder to cry on regarding Rick Ross or Drake or the Yeezus himself, John Curry has that shoulder. John is recently single so he is a hot commodity on the Havermarket. Hit him up soon before it is too late.
I would be remiss without mentioning my name. If interested please send me an email. And if my matchmaking advice doesn’t work you could always consult the Bi-Co News’ resident astrologer or Dear Olive on the BiCo News Site. Last but not least in my final statement I would just like to say, you’re welcome ladies.