by Qeter, images by Qevin
In order to dispell any fears over the recent security technology upgrades Quaker Bouncers are receiving, Q (from MI6) is here to quell and quiet any quandaries you will query (questions?), as well as introduce some the newest gadgets he has in the works.
LW(Q): What motivated this upgrade of Quaker Bouncer technology, which some fear is too drastic, perhaps unnecccessay[sp], and a waste of money?
Q(A): A number of security breaches over the last few years has some community members concerned that the campus is too open and carelessly unsafe. We have sought to update the technologies employed by Quaker Bouncers to keep pace with the rapid growth of the civilized world and enable them to keep Haverford as safe as possible.
LW(Q): Well those are certainly valid arguments, but do you not think these measures are excessive for a liberal arts school of only 1200 students?
Q(A): Ah, ahah! Only 1200 you say, yet under the lax security measures of the past years, many visitors were allowed to slip under the radar. Our research has led us to believe the more accurate head count for the campus on weekends, including these "visitors," was close to 10,000 (check this)! Quite the party indeed.
LW(Q): So what are some of these new security technologies we can expect to see in the future?
Q(A): First we have an ice cube; any viewer would not doubt it is but a simple ice cube. But! When placed in a drink, the microscopic alcohometer embedded in the ice will detect the alcohol content within five seconds. If the drink has more than one shot’s worth of alcohol, BOOM! So long to your Solo cup! Thanks to this explosive new technology, no more will students be incapacitated by any dangerously sweet cocktail.
Next, we have a welcome mat. What could be more inviting? However, there is far more hidden under this mat than your spare door key! Once an individual places his or her feet on the mat, infared scanners measure and cross-index the footprint, while also calculating the Body Mass Index of the visitor. After a brief seven minutes of waiting on the mat, a full background check will be complete and loaded onto a mainframe computer for each and every person who walks through the door. Imagine the wealth of information available to the campus security forces! Thanks to this mat, we will always know who exactly is "welcome" to the student body.
And, of course, each QB will be equipped with standard issue PP7 and license to kill. No more poncing about for the Bouncers, now their bark will have a little more bite! These are only the immediate advancements available to the Quaker Bouncers. We also have some exciting developments in the works for the long range initiative to secure the bi-co during campus parties.
Ideally within three to five years, work will be complete on a state-of-the-art, polyurethane, hermetically sealed dome, or "bubble." Once the college finishes negotiations over materials with the Durex corporation, work should begin immediately. This move will be sure to "burst the bubble" of any uninvited, ill-intentioned visitor to Haverford.
In the next ten years, we will be refining the prototype of our remote partying technology. Using a direct computer link with the brain and consciousness, a 3-d hologram, or "avatar," of a student may engage in raucous behavior without endangering him or herself, safely encased in their dorm room.
LW(Q): Do you think by tightening security and limiting access to campus we are creating an atmosphere of distrust? Are we acting as if only non-tri-co students are capable of harm? Won’t greater security measures and restrictions on student parties only drive people to act out even more? By these moves are we implicitly suggesting the Honor Code and the community based on Trust, Concern, and Resepct we uphold as a unique and beneficial aspect of Haverford life is untrustworthy, unstable, and bound to fail?
Q(A): No, I don’t think so, considering [xxxx].
LW(Q): Thanks for your time, Q.
Q(A): Thank you!
This article is © 2008 The Bi-College News. The material on this page is free for personal or educational use, but may not be reproduced, reprinted, republished, redistributed, or otherwise transmitted to a third party without the express written permission of The Bi-College News, 370 Lancaster Ave, Haverford, PA 19041.
Editor's note: Articles that appear in the Last Word section are works of satire.
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