By Jack Meaney and Jesse Paulson

The world’s largest atom smasher made its debut on September 10, when an international team of scientists finally fired up the machine that had been two decades in the making. The effects were immediate if not readily apparent; black holes erupted out of every major magnetically charged zone on earth and everything was killed–instantly killed. This news will probably come as a shock for many people on Earth, as the afterlife is surprisingly akin to real life, but scientists around the world have unanimously agreed on the verdict. Human beings around the world continue to live day-to-day without the knowledge that they are already dead.

Dr. Billy Shlumpo, the renowned author of Spirits on Fire: The Afterlife for Zantranyians, elaborated,  "Why didn’t we even feel ourselves die? Oh, I don’t know… maybe because atoms move at the speed of light! It’s science, people." He added, "A purely scientific explanation would be that when they turned on the CERN, Mana Vortexes (the author uses Mana Vortex to refer to Black Holes–ed.) erupted out of the space-time fabric that we have woven around the earth (also known as the troposphere). These Vortices literally sucked us into a space prison where our souls and bodies are separated forever, but we can’t make the distinction since we are in holding cells. Oh, and the guard has the key to the our prison cells (laughter). And we aren’t up for parole for at least 4 or 5 years!"

The smasher’s construction had sparked controversy globally  because many in the scientific community were afraid of the unintended effects building an atom-smasher of this size might cause. Larry Knoblerz, the reknowned Polish physicisit elaborated, "I don’t frigging get it.  Everyone trashes the planet, treats each other like crap, and lives like they want to die as soon as possible, but as soon as science wants to discover something, if that discovery might threaten life as we know it then all of a sudden everybody’s up in arms.  Oh, I love life, don’t take it away!  Really, I could care less if we’re all dead or alive.  Science is my life.  Science is the truth.  Screw everyone else." 

Giving an alternative point of view was Klaus Knupfson, chair of the Philosophy department at the University of Geneva.  "If one person dies, then the community, the society, what have you, can agree on the certainty of their death, because they are ‘gone,’ but we are still here, living.  But if we all died… instantaneously, then how would we be able to tell?  This poses tremendous questions about what defines life, death, and–SHIT!  Fuckfuckfuck… my Hot Pocket just fucking gushed burning cheese onto my leg.  I’m sorry, I’ll have to call you back." 

 And while philosophers, scientists, and cult-religious leaders continue to debate whether or not the entire world is dead, some plain facts have been agreed upon. The Committee for World Livelihood made a press release earlier this week:

"We want to thank everyone for being so patient while we pursue for truth of our situation. Soon enough you will all know if you are dead or alive… We would like to establish a number of key facts that have been proven through extensive testing here in Geneva: 1) People still feel physical pain- a lot. 2) No one can fly- yet. 3) If we are all dead, religion was wrong- or perhaps we hadn’t invented the right one- yet. 4) Nothing is certain- except the things that are- yet- only in time- can we- or all of us- be sure- despite our intuition- that- - –we have no fucking clue."

The cryptic announcement rattled the world, but  unsurprisingly, life continues to carry on as normal at Haverford and Bryn Mawr, where students aren’t afraid to confront the tough questions: "Who cares?"  "I mean, if death’s the same as life, I’m still going to get laid e’ry night, e’ry day," explained Jeff Jones HC ‘12.  "Jeff, you suck.  A lot.  I mean, I hate you." retorted Abigail Bingumtree BMC ‘09.  It appears some things will never change, even if we’re all dead. 

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